Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Hurt

I'm trying to grab out to bits of my life with Ronni now that a large break is imminent (the move to Queens) and an anniversary is nearby.  I looked up her name on my phone and browsed some of the things that came up, but it just makes me sad. I don't feel very much guilt except perhaps that I don't like the fact that I'm so self-absorbed about it.  It hurts, but imagine how she hurt.  I still have my life here, and look how much she missed.  Look how much pain she endured before she left, and how much pleasure she lost after she left.  I used to think she could see the world through my eyes, and that it was my responsibility to her in the afterlife to see the things she was missing, really see them and feel them, so that she would, too.  Now I don't know.  I don't know what I believe any more.  All I know is how sad I am, and how easy it would be to give in and start bawling like a baby right now.  

Now look at the pain others have suffered, and know that it's part of everyone's life.  Look at Deb's friend who discovered she had colon cancer 3/4 through her pregnancy.  Look at the two hundred families described in that article I read yesterday, who lost loved ones in a plane crash which was so violent that people's bodies were ripped from their bones.  Look at the one who might be about to lose his wife to God-knows-what, and who will be totally lost without her.  I was lost without Ronni for quite awhile.  What carried me through?  Maybe finding a sense of purpose, a mission to focus on - Allison.  And then when the mission ultimately failed, and I had to figure out how to go on, how did I do it?  Another mission, perhaps, in Zachary, as a responsibility handed to me by Allison.  And that mission failed as well, didn't it?  None of this was in my control, so there is no need for the guilt of failure.  But the sadness of loss is here, deep and persistent.  Don't try to shake it, it cannot be avoided.  As always, I have to go through it, not back away or go around it. The pain will subside, and it will come back later, a little softer.  But allow it to hurt if it must.  Because it must.

A tear is running down my left cheek.  I wiped it away but another will replace it.  Life will go on for all of us. The pain will remain.

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